ERAP JOKES PART 7

• Victories of Loi
She's in the Senate- away from rumors Erap is in prison - away from women Jude out of the military - away from boys!
• CAUSE
What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? He moved. Update Date September 3, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
• WHY DID ERAP?
How do you confuse Erap? Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Why did Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate. Why does Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months? The box said "2 to 4 years!" Why does Erap always smile during lightning storms? He thinks his picture is being taken. Update Date September 24, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
• WHAT LEADERS SAY ABOUT THE NY TRAGEDY
British Prime Minister Tony Blair: "We all agreed that this attack was an attack not only on America, but on the free and democratic world" Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat: It is touching our hearts. It is very difficult to explain my feelings. God help them, God help them. Iranian President Mohammad Khatami: "My deep sympathy goes out to the American nation, particularly those who have suffered from the attacks and also the families of the victims" Pope John Paul II: "The heart of man is an abyss out of which sometimes emerge plots of unspeakable ferocity capable of overturning in an instant the tranquil and productive life of a people" Former Philippine President Joseph Estrada: "Antaas taas kasi ng building e kaya tinamaan ng eroplano" Update Date October 14, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
• ERAP'S PEN PAL LETTER
Dearest Pal. Hello! How's life going on there. I hope that you are in good health upon receiving my letter or may be you got suspened "coz" you did not expect that you can receive a letter from me. But before the world prolong into a line may I ask first you a gretest apology if ever I disturb you rest and relaxation expecially that when you are in concentration of you studying. And at the same time Pal, I greet you pleasant hello. I hope you can enjoing your life there. Pal, maybe you ask to yourself there if were came I know your name. By the pal, I found your name from column of song hit. And then I decide to make this letter for the reason that I want also a friend in other places so don't think any malice here my lettter okey!. But before I go to further may I introduce first my simple personality to you. Well....... beginning for the love of my parent they got a boy and have a name. My name is Joseph Marcelo Ejercito. Joseph for short. I'm ...ty-four years old now. My heaight is 5'8" tall and 140 lbs. My birthday is coming every 19 of April 1937. Fair complexion under the zodiac sign of Aries . I'm a pure Filipino with little Chinesse blood. My mother is at home while my father is working as a golddigger.. He's digging golds at the mines. My hobbies is playing ball games reading komiks books, participating in school activities., and of course acting. I also like to listen to folk songs of Perry Como, Pat Boone, Everly Brothers and the Platters. I hate listening to instrumental music because they are always defective. I can't hear the voice of the songer. As for my school, I think my school likes me a lot. They don't want me to go after 8 years. They told me others could get post graduate degrees after college , they said I can do it here in high school. I only need two more years to complete my Algebra. My families were so happy for me..my father almost suffered a heart attack eveytime I showed him my report cards. Doesn't you think I'm good too?. My teacher also liked me . whenever she needed something done, she will called me. Like cleaning the board, scrubbing the floor and manning the garbage can. I'm also responsible in drawing conclusion to our laboratory experiments. Last time during our chemistrty class, when we are mixing different chemicals together and she wanted me to taste the result. I concluded that the solution is little bit deadly because I got hospitalized. They agreed. At the hospital, the lady doctor said that some of my brain cells got burned. I totally disagree with him because I know I didn't set my head on fire nor eat any lighted match. I only drank an acid solution. She laughed at me and told me I was funny. I think her name was Dr. Eloisa. She's cute. I think I finish also introducing my self to you and may be time is enough already for you to know who I am . Maybe this will be enough for you to guess myself, from now on you can describe my self in your imagination. Anyway Pal, I 'd like you answer me. Maybe you can send also your personal datas. Please I need you reply!!! I'm sorry for the handwriting, I have speech impediment eh. Regards to your family circle and especially to you. Take all necessary precautions. Your new friend, Just call me Erap. Update Date November 19, 2001 Submitted by Bong V of Singapore.
• OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung hinog na. FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinogna. Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin. Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital. Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP! PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka sumabay sa kanila? Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako! Update Date February 25, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
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KASO Nag meeting si Erap at ang kanyang 13 abogado. ERAP:(naghihinagpis): Jos ko po!.. bakit ako pinaparusahan ng ganito? Natalsik na ako't lahat..ayaw pa nila akong tigilan! What face will I front to my families? (TRANSLATION: Anong mukha ang ihaharap ko sa aking mga pamilya? ) Pati pagkain ko ng isda..kinasuhan pa rin nila! Mas gusto ko pa nga nang lechon kaysa isdang dapa.. Pero..bakit pati pagkain ko ng isdang dapa, may kaso?.. Bakit?? Sumagot kayo!!" Nagpulong yung mga abogado nang 1 minute and then lumapit yung lead lawyer kay Erap. Attorney (pabulong): "Boss, yung kaso ho nyo e" Plunder...hindi ho Flounder!!" ERAP(patay mali): "Kasuhan na nila ako ng kasuhan!.. mag be-belo ako ng mag be-belo..Kahit na ilang belo isusuot ko wag lang akong makulong!.. Kahit wala ako sa simbahan mag be-belo pa rin ako! ..Matatalo ko pa si Cardinal Sin!..Tingnan natin kung sino ang mas mautak (lumalabas na yung uhog sa galit kaya sabay pahid..ginamit yung wristband)!! Nagpulong uli yung mga abogado nang 1 minute...lapit uli kay Erap yung lead lawyer. Attorney (pabulong uli pero medyo asar na) : " Boss, yung hinihingi ho natin ay B-a-i-l... hindi ho V-e-i-l!!" Update Date April 1, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
• ERAP TRANSLATES
LET'S HELP ONE ANOTHER ERAP: TAYOY MAGTULUNGAN LET'S STRIVE TOGETHER ERAP: TAYO'Y MAGSIKAP BECAUSE IN UNION THERE IS STRENGTH ERAP: SAPAGKAT SA SIBUYAS MAY TITIGAS Update Date June 14, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Flash report: Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking. "Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente. "Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles, wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick." "Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y estudyante pa lang. "May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap. Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister. Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister. "Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?" "Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din. "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?" Update Date June 28, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. GMA: I'm planning to stop POVERTY & MASS STARVATION. ERAP: alam mo Gloria, yung poverty madaling pigilin. Pero ang Masturbation, aba... Human rights violation yan! Update Date July 6, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. ERAP: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone. DR: Is it choking? ERAP: No, it's Max's DR: I didn't mean Chowking, I said, "Are you choking?" ERAP: No I'm serious! Update Date July 12, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Jose Velarde and Jose Pidal are making a movie together. It will be called Dumb and Dumber. Sponsored by the Ateneo Alumni Association. Update Date July 19, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Scene: nasusunog ang rest house sa Tanay ni Erap! Guard: sir, dito po ang fire exit. Erap: gago! diyan na nga dadaan ang apoy eh!! Update Date August 2, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Similarity of Marcos and Erap:Both have AIDS: Marcos' AIDS: Acquired Income Deposited in Switzerland Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson. Update Date August 9, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Satan appeared to Erap. Satan: I have a proposal. You will finish your term but in return I want your soul. Erap: Wait, wait, what's the catch? Update Date August 16, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Erap was exiled to Burma and was making a long distance call. He made a long distance phone call... Operator: AT&T, How may I help you? Erap: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis. Operator: Name of the party you're calling? Erap: Aybegurpardon. Can you repit agen plis? Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling? Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu. Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically. Erap: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali? Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter. Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in o. Operator: Sir, can you please use English words. Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant. Update Date August 30, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. SINO? Jinggoy takes some law courses to get ready for the senate? Professor: Jinggoy, who wrote the writ of habeas corpus? Jinggoy: Aba, hindi ako sir!? Professor: Let's go see your father. At Erap's prison: Professor: Sir, I am the law professor of your son. I simply asked him who wrote the writ of habeas corpus, and he answered that he did not write it. Erap: Alam n'yo, Prof. Itong si Jinggoy, kung minsan palabiro lang. Pero hindi siya sinungaling. Kaya hindi po siya ang nagsulat ng sinasabi mong writ. As the professor angrily storms away, FPJ arrives to visit Erap. Erap: O, pare. Alam mo bang pinagbintangan ng professor na iyan na si Jinggoy ang nagsulat ng writ ni Mang Corpuz. FPJ: Kayo naman, e. Para sa kapakanan at kapayapaan ng lahat, dapat inamin na lang ninyo! Update Date September 13, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. DEVIL'S CALL During his visit to Malacañang Palace, Bush was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Bush was distressed. How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the Philippines Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call. Update Date October 4, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. What's For Lunch Erap, Pedro and Juan eat lunch together everyday. For almost 1 year they have the same lunch daily. Pedro has adobo, Juan has pinakbet and Erap tuna sandwich. Today, Juan says "pagod na akong puro pinakbet na lang araw-araw ang lunch ko, tomorrow pag panakbet pa rin tatalon na lang ako sa Pasig." "Ako rin" says Pedro,"pag adobo parin ang ulam ko bukas, mabuting pang tumalon na lang ako sa Pasig." Not to be outdone Erap said "Mi too, I'm tired of tuna sandwich everyday if I have this again tomorrow tatalon din ako." The next day, Pedro opened his lunch box and he found dinuguan and puto. He was so happy of the change. Next, Juan opened his and found bistik. "Ay salamat po" says Juan. Erap opened his and showed that he has tuna sandwich. Looking dejected biglang tayo siya at tumalon sa ilog Pasig. Pedro looks at Juan at medyo umiling and says "Hindi ko naman maintindihan si pareng Erap, eh siya ang gumagawa ng lunch niya." Update Date October 11, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. BILIN KI ERAP Bilin ng mother ni Erap ng bumisita siya: Anak, di mo na natapos ang pag-aaral mo, pati pagka presidente mo. Sana naman makapagtapos ka na ng jail term mo. Promise, huh? Update Date October 25, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. INFORMATION Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco? Operator: Just a minute sir... Erap: Thank you! (klik). Update Date November 8, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. SHAMPOO While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi. Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito? Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh. Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!! Update Date December 6, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. THE PRESIDENT'S PUZZLE Fernando Poe walks into the Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Erap?" Poe inquired. "Nothing at all." I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time," the ex-President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years but I did it in a month!" Update Date January 31, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. Secretary: Bwisit! Ginamit na naman ni Sir Erap yung computer! Man: Bakit? Secretary: Tingnan mo, puno ng liquid paper yung monitor! Update Date February 7, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. Erap sees a ballet performance. He sees four dancers tiptoeing ang twirling. Erap: Tanga rin ng choreographer no? Bat di nalang matangkad ang kinuha nila? Update Date February 21, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. Erap sa Sarap TV Erap: Masarap ang lulutuin ko ngayon. Apple pie! Host: Mr. President, umpisahan na natin. Ano-anu po ba ang ingredients? Erap: Siyempre, may apple. Kelangan din ng harina, gatas, itlog, asukal, at 2 durog na diatabs. Host: Ha? Para saan po ang diatabs. Erap: Baka may sumakit ang tyan. Mahirap nang ma-akusahan ng food poisoining. Wais to! Update Date March 14, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. Jinggoy and Erap in a museum. (Jinggoy looking at a mummy) Jinggoy: Dad, what's the meaning of 1232 B.C.? Erap: Anak, iyan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa kanya. Update Date March 21, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. "Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y estudyante pa lang. "May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap. Sa Hapon ang ibig sabihin ng DA ay tanga. Ang medyo tanga - HonDA Ang mas tanga - MazDAAt ang pinakatanga - EstraDA Update Date June 13, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. Erap's spiritual adviser is Mike Velarde of El Shaddai. But he and his sons belong to different religions. Jinggoy - El Lagay; Jude - Dioskoday; Erap - El Puday Update Date June 20, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. Erap looked at the librarian and said: This is the most boring book I've ever read. It has no plot, yet so many characters. Librarian: Excuse Sir, that is a telephone directory. Update Date August 1, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Erap and Loi eating in a restaurant. Loi: Honey, bakit pati buto kinakain mo? Erap: Ano'ng problema mo, eh Eat All You Can naman ito! --------------------------------------------------------- Q: Ano ang isa pang Chinese name ni Sen. Miriam Santiago? A: TY LE LENG. Update Date August 22, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Erap: Bakit itinayo ang rebulto ni Andres Bonifacio sa Monumento? Cory: Siyempre, para magsilbing alaala sa kanya. Erap: An'tanga mo talaga. Cory: Bakit? Erap: Siyempre, kapag inihiga, eh di makakabuhol-buhol ang trafik. Update Date August 29, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap? A: Sa tokens sa casino.