ERAP JOKES PART 4

ERAP WIVES  LOI - Lady Often Insulted.  GUIA - Girl Using Intimacy for Advantage.  LAARNI - Lamang sa Ari-Arian kaya No Imik           (she bested the rest in amassing the           estate, so she's silent and contented).      
JUETENG  Q: If Loi is First Lady, ano naman si Guia (What is Guia)?  A: Lady in jueteng (illegal gambling, with jueteng pronounced like "waiting").   Q: Ano naman si Jinggoy (What is his son, Jinggoy)?   A: Anak ng jueteng (son of illegal gambling, a play on a Filipino cussword).   Q: Ano naman si Gloria Macapagal Arroyo (What is Vice-President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo)?   A: jueteng (illegal gambling) and hoping.     Update Date November 24, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
NOT SURE  I'm not sure what life could bring you  I'm not sure if dreams come true   I'm not sure what love can do   But I'm very sure about one thing: YOKO K ERAP  (I don't want Erap, in short message service lingo.)    Update Date November 27, 2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
ELECTORAL COLLEGE  "That's one way we are efficient in this country.   It's their electoral college which is the trouble.   Look at me, not even college, yet I'm president!" the ERAP said.  
YOUNGER  Erap is thinking what to say to Bush if ever he gets elected.  "If (George W.) Bush should win, I should congratulate him   for looking so young...By golly, when he was vice-president   of my idol Ronald Reagan, he already had white hair."    Update Date November 28, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
ERAP CAN'T HIDE  It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.  The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you  had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.  So, the next day at 12:01 AM, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the  gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when  you died."  "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught  my wife obviously having an affair....but her lover was  nowhere in sight. Immediately I began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me  as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the  balcony. Out there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.  In a rage, I rushed back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.  Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.  It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart ttack and died almost instantly."  The Angel sat back and thought a moment.Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.  A few seconds later the next man on line came up. The Angel said, "Greetings, friend. Before I can let you in, I need to hear  about what your day was like when you died."  The man said, "You're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had  been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve  my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!  Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony below mine.  But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator - of all things - off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."  The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well sir," the Angel announces, "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.  A few seconds later, President Estrada comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.  "Estrada replies, "Picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."     Update Date November 29, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ERAP  In the beginning, Jose Marcelo Ejercito studied at the Ateneo de Manila. And that school was filled with darkness and chaos because of him, so they expelled him.  Finding himself in the cinema, he said, "Let there be LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!" And he regaled the masa with his grade-B action movies, and they loved him, and he, them, so Erap was born. And it was so, in the evenings and mornings of his second decade.  And Erap said, "Let there be stars (and starlets) to fill my nights, celestial bodies to fill my bed, with beauty queens and actresses of all shapes and sizes." And it was so. Erap blessed his stars and said, "Increase and multiply! Fill the Philippines with my name! In my name shall, ye fill the earth and subdue it." And the starlets begot him children, JV, JR, and other illegitimate children too numerous to mention, and he saw all that he did and said that it was good, very good. And it was so, in the evenings and mornings of his third decade.  Then he saw the Ilokano 'god' and the Waray 'goddess' on the face of the earth, and he knelt and kissed their feet and hands (and asses) and said, "Let me be mayor of San Juan and I will pledge undying loyalty to thee and thine own. Whether thou goes, I go, whatever thou doest, I do." And so then Martial Law was declared, Erap set an example. He imprisoned those who opposed him, threatened the townsfolk of San Juan with violence if they did not comply. He did all the things that were right in his eyes, and no  one opposed as god (Da Apo) was on his side.He ruled like a lord in his fief, and saw that it was good, very good. And it was so, on the mornings and evenings of his fourth decade.  And during the past few decades, Erap said, "Let there be wine, smoke and jueteng. Let sabong and jai-alai entertain the masses. Let me be a shining example of all these vices. Let me eat, drink, smoke, gamble and be merry for tomorrow I will do it again." And it was so.  But 13 years ago, Erap was ousted by the Yellow Brigade, because his god went to Hawaii. He was unrepentant in his loyalty to Da Apo. And Da Apo died in Hawaii, kept as a popsicle in a giant freezer, where his widow, Imeldific, insists on a hero's burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani to this day. Erap was distraught, his god died, and he was fired by the canaries. And he raised his fist and shook it against the Yellow President and her cronies and said, "BULLET DAY I WILL GIANT YOU! (Balang araw, ako ay maghihiganti!) I WILL BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY! (no translation needed)" And the earth trembled at his oath. And for a time there was some progress in the Philippines after Cory, but when the elections came, Erap said to the huddled, bleeding and ignorant masses, "IBOTO NINYO AKO AT TUTULUNGAN KO KAYO! AKO AY PARA SA MAHIRAP!" And the masses, like sheep to the laughter, did so, and Erap said, "Let there be a LANDSCAPE (landslide, in proper English) VICTORY, to show the world that I am the president the masses love!" And it was so.  And there was weeping and gnashing of teeth among the educated and the enlightened, for they knew that darkness and chaos had come not only in Ateneo, but the whole archipelago. But the masses cheered their hero, who was really a Macoy loyalist all the way. And Erap wanted his Ilokano 'god' buried with honors at the Libingan ng Bayani, but the people would not let him, and he relented.  Then all the cronies, all the kamag-anaks, kabits and 'toma'-dachis were appointed. People with questionable backgrounds went to the offices of ministers, assistant ministers, secretaries of state. The 'bebble gam' king became minister of defense. The son of 'god' became the governor of  Ilocos Norte, his widow, Imeldific a senator, while the daughter of 'god'  became congresswoman. Loyalty before principles was the order of the day.  And Erap pursueth his enemies without mercy. The first to feel his wrath were James Gordon of Subic, followed by Manoling Morato (alias Ling-Ling) of the Board of Censors Next in line were Lito Lapid and Rey Malonzo, mayors both, not for winning in public office but for running in the opposition party. Joey Marquez was next.  Those whom Erap perceiveth his enemies were persecuted and harassed with unpaid tax charges and fiscal anomalies. He bullied that small newspaper, the Manila Times and its publishers, the Gokongwei clan with lawsuits and spurious charges of tax evasion. And the Gokongweis apologized and withdrew the article, and Erap smiled that crooked smile, and walked that  crooked walk, and said, "I won again!"  And Erap sought but failed to have some laws passed. he SAL (statement of assets and liabilities to track down possible candidates for kidnap or blackmail?), the warrantless arrest (shades of martial law) encouraged by this right hand man, Ping Lacson, the abolition of English as a second language I don't know about you, but the way RP is experiencing a brain drain these days, it might just work), legalizing gambling as a form of revenue jueteng, jai-alai, sabong, masiao, betting on horse races).  And these were the scandals galore that doggeth Erap in the office of Malacanang: the textbook scandal at DECS, the pyramid scam by Reli German's ex-wife, Baby; the 'JR' scandal (a beauty queen who claimeth parentage with Erap); the Romy Jalosjos fiasco (see the Jacuzzi, the air-con, the hamburger stand, the tennis courts at Muntinlupa prisons? That is punishment!); the counter investigation of FVR about the Expo Filipino funds; the Imelda Marcos'pardon'; the 'Loot'-cio Tan tax suit; the vcr tape of Erap gambling in a casino with a drug lord; releasing the sons of Freddie Webb (Hubert Webb for the Visconde massacre) and Dolphy's son for arson and homicide for burning down Mina Aragon's house with her mother and children in it) just because their fathers are Erap's buddies.  And the righteous crieth out, "Where is justice?" In a little while, after 6 years, you may see it. Then again, you may not. And the misdeeds of Erap,his eraptions and his shenanigans, are they not recorded, and are still being recorded in the book of ACTS? (for actors, silly).  Thus endeth this gospel (for now).  EDITOR'S NOTES:  Some people say it's funny and others say not. Judge for yourself.   Update Date November 30, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.  
KAIBAHAN NI ERAP AT NI ADAN.....  Si Adan, kaibigan ni Lord, Si Erap, kaibigan Druglord.  Si Adan, asawa si Eba, Si Erap, asawa Eba-iba.  Si Adan, natukso ni Eba, Si Erap, natukso sa pera.  Si Adan, wala pa nuong alam, Si Erap, hanggang ngayon walang alam.  Si Adan, bibo, Si Erap, bobo.     Update Date December 1, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
CLOCK  In heaven, every one has a lie clock.  Every time you lie the clock moves. Mother Teresa's clock never moved.  Lincoln's clock moved only twice. ERAP's clock is being used by St. Peter as electric fan. 
ALLEGATIONS  In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :   THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND   I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE.    Update Date December 3, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
PRESIDENT  Americans are complaining they still have no President.  Filipinos are complaining " WE STILL HAVE A PRESIDENT"  ------ibigay na lang kaya natin si ERAP sa mga Americano.  
WHITE CHRISTMAS  Its going to be a White Christmas this year for us.   Translation:  "MAMUMUTI ANG MGA MATA NYO PERO HINDI MAG RE-RESIGN SI ERAP".    Update Date December 4, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
PRAYERS  ERAP PRAYER: GAMBLING FATHER, WHO IS IN JUETENG, HAKOT BE THY NAME, THY KICKBACK COME, THY WEALTH BE DONE, IN WACK WACK AS IN SAN JUAN. AMEN.  Si ERAP nagsimba.- nasa "sign of peace" na. Sabi ng katabi niya - " IMPEACH BE WITH YOU"    LORD, Help our President overcome all of the accusations of Gov.Singson.  "LET HIM REST IN PEACE +++++++.  
HAIL  Oficial band music for the President of the U S - HAIL TO THE CHIEF  Official band music for ERAP - HAIL TO THE THIEF!   Update Date December 5, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
SACRIFICE  ERAP AND CORY were hanging on a rope from a chopper  which could hold only one. CORY said she will let go  and gave a speech about women always making sacrifice.  ERAP CLAPPED! ! ! 
QUIZ   Question: If people call ERAP "BUWAYA" what would you call Sonny Osmena? ANS: An ali"GAY"tor. 
LIBRARY  ERAP walked to the Librarian and said: This is the most boring book I have ever read, It has no plot yet so many characters. LIBRARIAN: So it was you who took our PHONE BOOK! !   Update Date December 6, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
DEMOCRACY  Erap's definition of democracy: Government off the people, poor the people, and buy the people. 
BRO. MIKE  Similarities between Erap and Bro. Mike: 1.  Both love the poor. 2.  Both collect money from the poor. 3.  Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor. 
SACRIFICE  Erap and Cory were hanging on a rope from a chopper which could hold only one. Cory said she will let go and gave speech about women always making sacrifice. Erap clapped.   Update Date December 7, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
ERAP'S MI ULTIMO  Erap's Mi Ultimo Adios El parte de jueteng wala na Mi compadres lords nabuking na El mansions mi queridas envistiga Mi amigos de la Camara el ultimo pag-asa.  
NASA PISO  Q:  Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap? A:  Sa tokens sa casino.   Update Date December 8, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
AN ERAP X'MAS CAROL  Caroling time: He sees you when you are gambling, He knows when you are drunk, He knows if you've been in bed with girls, So RESIGN for progress' sake.  
NEW ERAP COMMERCIAL  Introducing Mr.unCLEAN, ang Presidenteng sanhi   ng dumi't mantsa. Nabibili sa suking juetengan.   Mula sa P&G-Prosper when you Gamble.   Update Date December 11, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
PRESIDENTIAL UPDATE  Bush-240 electoral votes, Gore-249 electoral votes. Erap, pakisaksak naman sa 220 electrical volts. 
BANANA REPUBLIC  Q:  Why is the Philippines called a banana republic? A:  Because it has a sagging economy and a monkey for a president. 
IQ CHECK  Q:  Why can't Erap resign? A: Because that would be one intelligent thing to do.   Update Date December 13, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
NEWSFLASH  Watch ABS-CBN News for the flash report regarding Erap! He just stepped down . . . . . . . . . . . . from his jeep!  
SECRET  A man entered Malacanyang  Palace and shouted: "Tanga si Erap 3X. He was convicted and was sentenced for 2 months in jail for oral defamation and 20 years for revealing a government secret. 
GOOD AND BAD  Good news:  Pumayag na si Erap na magresign dahil sa people power. Bad news:  Ayaw daw niya sa Hawaii magpaexile. Gusto niya sa Las Vegas.   Update Date December 15, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
LORD'S PRAYER Erap and Jueteng Lord's Prayer: Gambling father who art in jueteng Hakot be thy name; Thy kickback come, thy wealth be done in  Wack Wack as it is in San Juan. 
JUDAS Nagkita si Erap at si Judas sa hell. Judas:  Bakit lakad mo pare, tagilid? Erap:  Putris na Singson yun! Kung magdala ng pera, isang bag  na panay papel at iyong isa puro barya! 
USAPANG WET Tawag sa basang pintura - wet paint Hitsurang basa - wet look Nabasang underwear while sleeping - wet dreams Presidente na basa na ang papel - Wet Teng Lord 
Q AND A Q:  Why does Tessie A. Oreta love to accept bribes? A:  Because she loves her brother Ninoy so much, she enjoys  looking at those P500 bills.   Update Date December 18, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
 13 Joseph Estrada's name contains 13 letters.  He  is the 13th President, has 13 kids and  with an IQ of 13.  Erap's impeachment was proposed on October 13.  Articles of Impeachment were sent to the Senate on November 13  and Erap will resign on December 13.  ED'S NOTE: Not true, he's stil there. 
LEGACY  Erap's legacy to the Filipino people . . . .  May mga members ng El Shaddai ang galit na galit na kay Erap  kaya nagtayo sila ng bagong grupo laban kay Erap.Tinawag nila itong  . . . . . ERAP SHALDIE.   Update Date December 19, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
PLEA  Erap’s Ma: Maawa naman kayo kay Erap. Masyado naman siyang kawawa.  Cory Aquino: Bakit naman?  Erap’s Ma: Kasi nuong nag-aaral pa siya, hindi siya nakatapos.  Ngayong Presidente na siya, hindi pa rin yata makakatapos.  
HAPPY  Reporter: Mr. President, how do you keep all your women happy?  Erap:  Pa sing sing lang yan. Konting romansing and a lot of housing.   Update Date December 21, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
ATONG ANG  Heard that Erap, Chavit and Atong Ang are coming up with a movie. "My Best Friend's Jueteng." 
PILOT   PAL pilot before landing: Mr. President, we have begun our descent to NAIA. Please fasten your zipper and return Weng to her upright position. 
ANG TAWAG  Q:  Kung ang tawag kay Marcos ay diktador, ano ang kay Erap? A:  Eh di kubrador.   Update Date December 26, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
CHRISTMAS CAROL  Christmas carol for Erap, sung to the tune of ‘‘You Better Watch Out.’’  ‘‘He sees you when you are gambling,  He knows when you are drunk,  He knows if you’ve been in bed with girls,  So RESIGN for progress’ sake.’’    Update Date December 29, 2000  Meanings of ERAP:  Erap Resign Para Angat ang Pinoy  Erap Resign Awa ka sa Pilipinas  Erap Resign Ala ng kaming Pasensiya  Erap Resign Ayaw namin ng Palpak   Update Date January 1, 2001    Submitted by Pepe.  First Metro Manila Impeachment Film Festival  1. "SUGATANG PUSO"  Kuwento ng isang pangulong sugatan ang puso dahil ipinagkanulo ng kanyang matatalik na kaibigan. Kuwento rin ng isang Unang Ginang na may sugatang puso dahil makailang ulit na pinagtaksilan ng babaerong asawa. STARRING: Joseph Estrada, Luis Chavit Singson at Loi Ejercito.  2. "TANGING YAMAN" (subtitle: 'TANGINA, ANG YAMAN!)  Kuwento ng isang presidenteng gumamit ng alias upang maitago ang kanyang 1.2 billion pesos na ilegal na yaman sa isang bangko.  Sa isang kapana-panabik na eksena sa pelikula, buong tapang na tinanong ng private prosecutor ang Presidente: "Mr. President, itong 1.2 billion pesos lang ba ang inyong... tanging yaman?" "Oo," sagot ng Presidente. "Tangina, ang yaman!" sigaw ng prosecutor. STARRING: Jose Velarde (aka Joseph Estrada) and Mario "I haven't slept for the past 24 hours, Your Honor" Bautista (as the private prosecutor)  3. "SPIRIT WARRIORS"  Kuwento ng isang matapang na grupo ng mga kababaihan--2 bank managers, first VP ng isang bangko, isang accountant, isang sekretarya, at isang senior VP ng bangko (ang "surprise member" ng grupo)--na kumalaban sa isang malignong "mahilig"--mahilig mambabae, mahilig uminom, mahilig sa mansyon, mahilig makipagkaibigan sa iba pang maligno,  mahilig mangolekta ng tong mula sa jueteng, at mahilig magdeposit ng ilegal na yaman sa bangko gamit ang isang alias. STARRING: Emma "Iniinom po ang iced tea, hindi kinakain, your Honor!" Lim, Menchu "Magkaibigan po kami ni Yolanda Ricarforte, your honor!" Itchon, Annie "Memorized ko ang account numbers, your honor!" Ngo, Edelquin "Ricaforte's our biggest depositor, your honor!" Dantes, Shakira "I' m still single, Your Honor!" Yu, Clarissa "I was one foot away from the President, your honor." Ocampo, and Joseph "Hindi ako 'yun!" Estrada as the "Malignong Mahilig" aka "Bad Spirit".    4. PING LACSON: COMFORT GAY (to be released internationally as "CODENAME: MARKOVA")  True to life story ng isang pulis na matinik sa wiretapping. Para makapag-espiya at makaganti sa kanyang mga kalaban, pumayag siyang maging comfort gay.  STARRING: You know...  - To be continued   Update Date January 2, 2001    Submitted by Pepe.  - Continuation  In the heyday of his popularity. Erap was asked whether he felt great affinity with America’s embattled Clinton.   "Why?" Erap was said to have inquired.   "Because both of you have sex problems," the inquisitive reporter persisted.   "I don’t know about Mr. Clinton," Estrada was reported to have replied.  "I’ve got the sex, but he’s got the problem."    5. SUGATANG YAMAN  Part 2 ng "Tanging Yaman".  Tungkol sa mga mansyon ng mga kerida at iba pang yaman ng Presidente na pinagdududahan ng buong bayan.  STARRING: Joseph Estrada and a cast of thousand keridas. Special Participation: Imelda "may blood clot sa utak" Marcos bilang patron saint ng mga taong may tangi-nang yaman (na ilegal).  7. DEATHROW  Kuwento ng isang presidenteng inimpeach at bumagsak sa deathrow.  Sa isang madamdaming tagpo, sinigawan ng presidente ang Diyos: "Lord, hindi ko po ginawa ang mga ibinibintang nila sa akin! Inosente po ako! Tamaan sana ako ng kidlat, kung nagsisinungaling ako!"  Pagkasabi niya nito, hinataw siya ng Diyos ng kidlat. Ayun, tigbak siya agad.  Happy ending para sa lahat!  STARRING: Alam n'yo na 'yon!  6. SUGATANG YAMAN (Triple-X version)  Ang kaisa-isang Triple-X-rated movie sa pestebal.  Tungkol sa isang Unang Ginang na nabaliw dahil sa pagtataksil ng asawang presidente.  Para makipaghiganti, pinutol ng Unang Ginang ang ari ng Presidente, tinadtad ito, ginawang bopis at kilawin, at ipinakain sa mga kerida ng Pangulo. Tigbak ang Pangulo dahil naubusan ng dugo at ang mga kerida dahil na-food poisoning. Maaacquit ang Unang Ginang dahil nag-plead ng temporary insanity.  Ang ending ng pelikula ay tatatak sa alaala ng mga manonood: may extreme close-up ng Unang Ginang. Tapos, sabay bitaw siya ng dialogue na: "Nasa akin pa rin ang huling halakhak! Hahahahahahahaha!"  Ang temporary insanity ay naging permanente na...  STARRING: Dra. Loi "Ako? Martir?" Ejercito, at ang "Apat na Sikat" (aka "Las Kulakadidangs")--Guia Gomez, Laarni Enriquez, Rowena Lopez, at Joy Melendres (in no particular order). Siyempre, mawawala ba ang kanilang leading man, na itago na lang natin sa pangalang "Asiong Salonga".  TANGKILIKIN ANG PELIKULANG PILIPINO! MANOOD NG METRO MANILA IMPEACHMENT FILM FESTIVAL! LABAS NGAYONG PASKO HANGGANG... KELAN PA?!   Update Date January 3, 2001  Submitted by Pepe 
LOTTO  "If you win the lotto, what would you do with the money?" Erap was asked.  "I will use it to buy Malacañang Palace," he answered.  "Bakit, sir?"  "Para hindi nila ako mapaalis doon."