ERAP JOKES PART 2

IN LABOR  One particular day many years ago, Erap's  wife was having labor pains. Erap panicked so he called their doctor. Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!  Doc: Is she in a lot of pain? Erap: Yes, doc! Doc: Is this the first baby?  Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!    Update Date August 10,2000 
QUIZ SHOW   The emcee Alex Tebak, the contestant "Erap"   Emcee: Question number 1 "Ano ang bird ng Pilipinas ?   Erap: Clue please !!!   Emcee: nag uumpisa sa letter "M"   Erap: Madali yan, ...."Manok"   Emcee: Hindi..... Maliit lang at kulay brown.....   Erap: "hindi mo agad sinabi eh, di "pritong manok"...   Emcee: ngyek !!!...   
 ANOTHER EXAMPLE  Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?   ERAP: Carabao, ma'am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?   ERAP: How about another Carabao?   Update Date August 11,2000 
TESTING  As Erap's Driver test drive it.   Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light  (as driver switches on the parking light)   Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.  Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)   Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.   Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)   Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......   Update Date August 14,2000  
RANSOM Submitted by Barok  While having talks with Muslim rebels, the rebels decided to kidnap and hold ERAP for ransom.   "Being ERAP the president, we demand $1 Billion for his release otherwise, we'll behead him.",demanded the rebel group.  Having a budget deficit, the government negotiators decided that for the country's good they'll let ERAP be sacrificed. They think he will understand the crisis. So the government negotiator said " NO, you can have ERAP."  A few days later, they asked" How about a million not dollars but pesos."   The government again said "NO, you can have ERAP."  After several weeks the rebel group asked for another talk.  Sensing that they will have ERAP for good, the rebels asked "How about just get him back."  They government finally accepted because they do not have to  pay any more ransom.  Once back, the reporters asked ERAP, "Mr. President, how come they  let you go without any ransom?"  ERAP said, "They asked my request before I die and I said let me marry  one of your women each day in captivity until the day you'll kill me. Being president, they said OK that I deserved it. The first day I  married one beautiful muslim woman, the second day another, the third  day another and so on. After 30 days, they said no more - they run out  of women. They were thinking of sending me to Malaysia if no one will  ransom me but the Malaysians said they will invade the rebel's  hideout if they do. So they decided to just give me back."  A reporter asked, "Sir, why not just kill you instead."  ERAP replied, " With my 30 muslim wives, that won't be a good idea."   Update Date August 15,2000  
ORDER  Cofee shop in New York. Erap is thinking of what to order.   The man to his left ask for "Coffee and Danish."   The man to his right, "Coffee and English."   Erap, with confidence and pride: "Coffee and Filipino!"     Update Date August 16,2000 
ELECTRIC FAN  Tanong ki Erap : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot and   elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?   Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?   Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!    Update Date August 17,2000  
WA CLASS  Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: "Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?"   Erap: "I don't know, kasi nasa first class ako."    Update Date August 18,2000 Submitted by Pepe.  What's the difference between Erap and Magic?  Magic is an illusion, Erap is real.  What's the similarities?  The audience think they're both entertaining.   Update Date August 21,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
THE POPE AND ERAP  During his visit to the Vatican, Erap met with the Pope.  Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.  Finally, a weary Erap emerged to face the waiting news media.  The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.  He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then  Erap declared he was going home to the Philippines to be with his  family.  A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked  tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his  meeting with the President was a failure.  Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, Erap just  announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of  the items discussed."  Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten  Commandments."   Update Date August 24,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
ERAP SA JEOPARDY  Emcee...Ano ang national Animal ng Pilipinas, eto na ang clue...."nag uumpisa sa "K"... Erap: Sa "K" ha .... eto na "kuto" Emcee:..Hindi !!!!! yong bang ginagamit ng magsasaka sa lupa....! Erap: eh, di "kutong lupa".... Emcee: Talagang mahirap itong si "Erap"..ngyek...   Emcee: Ok, eto na ang huling tanong... Sino ang huling hero ng Pilipinas.. ang clue...nag uumpisa sa initial "N..A.."  Erap: Madali yan si "Nora Aunor" Emcee: Hindi si Nora Aunor, namatay na eh !!!!!! Erap: Haaaa? namatay na si Nora Aunor ????? Hinimatay ang Emcee.    Update Date August 28,2000  
TRANSLATION  Erap while translating a speech from Tagalog to English.  "We must strive"  Translation: Kailangan nating magsikap.   "We must help others"  Translation: Kailangan nating magtulungan.   "In union there is strenght"  Translation: SA SIBUYAS ME TIGAS !!!   
COMPARISON  In the US they have Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Stevie Wonder.   In the Philippines, we have ERAP, no cash, no hope, no wonder.    Update Date August 30,2000 
THE DIFFERENCE  FVR: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTATO & MASHED POTATO ?  ERAP: ITONG WRISTBAND KO POTE' TO, 'TONG BARONG KO MASPOTE' TO!!    Update Date September 5,2000 
SUNOG Submitted by Pepe.  Nasunog ang Malacañang kaya inalalayan si Erap ng maraming  PSG para makalabas.   "Sir, dito po ang daan," sabi ng isang PSG na itinuturo ang fire exit.   "Gago ka ba? Gusto mo bang masunog ako?   Eh diyan nga ang labasan ng apoy eh," sagot ni Erap.  
STYLE   Sa New York, ini-interview ng isang reporter si Erap.   "Mr. President, what do you think is the secret of happy marriage?"  tanong ng reporter.   "Well, for me?" paumpisang Ingles ni Erap, "Everything I demand  for sex, my wife supplies?"   Na-turn off ang reporter, "Isn't that hostile [pronounced as hastayl]?"   "Hostile, dog-style, any style is okay for me," sagot ni  Erap na may ngiti pa sa labi.     Update Date September 6,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
SEX IN THE MOVIES  Reporter: "Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?"   Erap: "I am against it. Ang daming motel, bakit pa sila nagsi-sex  sa sinehan. Hindi dapat yan." 
KAMUKHA DAW  Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal,  pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?   Erap: Mukha kang pera.    Update Date September 7,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
FIRST LOVE  Ininterbyu si Erap tungkol sa kanyang lovelife:   Reporter: First love? Erap: Never dies, syempre. Reporter: About your first crush? Erap: Ahh? awa ng Diyos, sa dami ng flight ko ngayon, wala naman.  
BIRTHDAY   Reporter: When is your birthday? Erap: Dec.25 (Not his real birthday) Reporter: What year? Erap: Every year.   Update Date September 8,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
ERAP AND UN   What's UN's favorite drink? Erap: Of course, 7up, the UNcola.  What's UN official dog? Erap: Of course, the "UNderdog".  What's UN official Motto? Erap: Do UNto others, what you don't want others to do UNto you.  What's UN official drink? Erap: Of course, Kofi Annan.   Update Date September 11,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
OBSCENITIES  While in New York city, a Erap bumped a NY Bronx man.   Man: Hey, watch where you're goin' you "MUDAFUCKA".   Erap : Eh ta-tanga tanga ka pala, "MADAFA KA RIN SANA"!!    
THE ORDER  In a Japanese restaurant.   Erap : Bigyan mo ako nung TA-KEHO-ME, waiter.   Waiter : Sir "Take Home" po ang basa diyan.    Update Date September 12,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
THE WIFE  Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap,   "I haven't met your wife. Where is she?"   Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."  
STARBUCKS  ERAP ordering coffee at Starbucks   Waiter: DECAF?   ERAP: OO, alangan naman dePLATE    Update Date September 14,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
NUTRIENTS  While in a drug store.   Erap : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.   Pharmacist : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?   Erap : It does not matter, cuz he can't read yet!!    Update Date September 18,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
DENTAL APPOINTMENT  The Estrada's ' were shown into the dentist's office, where  Erap made it clear he was in a big hurry.   "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or  any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."   "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the  dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"   Erap turned to his wife Loi. "Show him your tooth, Honey."    Update Date September 19,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
MASAKIT ANG TIYAN  Erap: Doc, ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko.   DOC: Ang ulo, parang tiyan, pag walang laman sumasakit! 
DIRECTION  On board an Air Force plane that Erap had commandeered to  pursue a group of kidnappers on another plane, the pilot t ells Erap: "Sir, enemy plane comming in at 5 o'clock."  Erap replies: "Good. We have time to plan our moves.  It's only 4:25 by my watch."    Update Date September 22,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
PHONE CALL  Doctor: What happened to your ears?  Erap: I was ironing my pants when the phone rang and  I picked up the iron instead.  Doctor: What happened to your other ear?  Erap: The Son of a Bitch called back.   Update Date September 25,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
HISTORICAL  ERAP: Pare,may problema ako sa kumare mo.  Masyadong historical tuwing nag-aaway kami.  PARE :Baka hysterical ang gusto mong sabihin.  ERAP: Hindi, historical talaga, pare.  Kasi pag kami nag-aaway, lagi na lang niyang  inuungkat 'yung nakaraan.   Update Date September 27,2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
WINNING  Eraps walks into a casino where he see's a coke vending machine.  He puts in some money and a coke falls out. He smiles and keeps  putting in more and more money, and getting heaps of cokes. He does  this for about an hour or so until an aide comes up to him and says  "Havent you had enough, Sir?" and he says back, "No! Cant you see I'm winning!"   Update Date September 29,2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
NEW BOND  Pierce Brosnan resigned from being James Bond  and was substituted by a filipino actor named Joseph Estrada.  IQ 007, First movie "His Brain Is Not Enough."  Soon to be shown to theatres near you.   Update Date Oct.2, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
LOVE CODE  Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love messages  tulad ng:  ITALY - I truly adore and love you SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are  Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan , sinikap niyang gumawa ng  "love  letter" na gamit and alphabet:   ABC - Always be careful DEF - Don't Ever forget GHI - Go Home Immediately JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should               Treat U Very Well  Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and natitira...XYZ.   Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras, napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago  sinulat ang:   XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!   Update Date Oct.3, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
FRIES  Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.  "Give me Swiss  Steak and French Fries"  order ni FVR sa ingles.  "And you Sir?  tanong ng waiter.  "The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too" sagot ni  Erap.   Update Date Oct.5, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
DA  Sa Japanese ang gago o tanga "Da",  Pag masyadong tanga "Honda",  Sobrang tanga "Mazda"  Saksakan ng tanga "Estrada"   Update Date Oct.6, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
ABU SAYYAF TO SERVE THE ERAP'S GOVERNMENT  With the continuing worsening of the situation and with no end in sight to the hostage drama in Jolo, the government has seriously considered negotiating with the Abu Sayyaf. One of the recommendations made in the recent Cabinet meeting was to utilize and hire the members of the Abu Sayyaf movement to serve the government.  Since he has been contemplating on reshuffling his Cabinet anyway, it was strongly recommended that Erap start hiring Muslims and commission them to head up the government agencies. Initially, with their qualifications and experiences, the following will be assigned to the these agencies of the government:  Dept. of Justice - Abu Gado  Dept. of National Defense - Abu Rido  Dept. of Finance - Abu Nado  Dept. of Social Welfare - Abu Loy  Bureau of Customs - Abu Tan  Phil. National Police - Abu Sado  Dept. of Tourism - Abu So  Dept. of Health - Abu Lario   Update Date Oct.9, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
ERAP AND ST. PETER  Hindi mo ba alam na narating na ni Erap ang pintuan ng langit? Ito ang nangyari: SAN PEDRO: Anong pangalan? (may hawak nang malaking susi) ERAP: Erap po SAN PEDRO: Ahhh, ikaw pala si Erap, Titingnan ko ang pangalan mo sa aklat ng buhay. (sabay bukas ng libro). Ummmmm, Makakapasok ka sa pintuan ng langit kung masasagot mo ang isa man langsa tatlo kong pagsubok. ERAP: Opo. SAN PEDRO: 1st question, Anu-anong mga araw sa isang linggo ang nagsisimula sa titik "T"? ERAP: Today and Tomorrow. SAN PEDRO: Ayyyy naku! Mali!! Pero may pangalawang pagkakataon ka pa. Ito ang pangalawang pagsubok. How many seconds are there in one year? ERAP: Syempre 12! SAN PEDRO: Ha! Bakit 12 lang? ERAP: Kasi po, di ba maroong Jan 2nd, February 2nd,etc. SAN PEDRO: (Medyo nainis na) Alam mo mabait lang talaga ako, kaya siguro naman masasagot mo na itong huli kong tanong. What is the name of our Creator? ERAP: Eh di, si Harold po. SAN PEDRO:(Muntik ng mabatukan si Erap) Sige nga, ipaliwanag mo kung bakit Harold ang sagot mo. ERAP: Kasi po, sa tuwing nagdadasal ako, ganito po. "Our Father "Harold" be thy name....." (Kaya hanggang ngayon kasama parin natin si Erap.)