ERAP JOKES PART 1

The More Intelligent Candidate This incident supposedly happened before the "ERAP PRESIDENCY". The most intelligent the "presidentiable"(Pinoy term for preisential candidates),  Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to  a televised debate. To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question  which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos. Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon? " Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and  hands it to Miriam. Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs,  and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look. She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references.  She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net.  Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends.  All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.  Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home. Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....  
Letter of Erap to son JV   Dear JV:   Kamusta na sa Amerika, anak? Mabagal ko'ng isinulat ang liham na ito dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Anak, gusto ko lamang  iparating na hindi na kami sa Malacanang nakatira ngayon. Nabasa kasi ng mommy mo (si Loi), na kadalasan na ang mga aksidente ay nangyayari sa bahay kaya't napagpasiyahan ko na lumipat na ng tirahan. Pero huwag kang mag-alala. Dinala ko naman ang karatula ng ating lumang  address kaya maari mo pa rin akong sulatan sa dati nating address. Mahirap na kasi ang pabago-bago. Alam mo naman na napakarami ko ng kinakabisado.  Maganda naman ang tirahan namin ngayon. Mayroon pa ngang built-in na washing machine. subali't ng labhan ko yung damit ko, hindi na bumalik. kaya't huwag kang bibili ng Saniware washing machine, anak. malakas pa naman sana ang ikot ... Maganda rin ang lagay ng panahon dito. dalawang beses lamang umulan last week. Yung una, mula lunes hanggang miyerkules,  yung pangalawa, mula huwebes hanggang linggo.    Tungkol nga pala sa coat na gusto mong ipadala namin... masyado raw  mabigat sabi ni Orly kung isasama yung mga butones. kaya pasensiya ka na kung tinanggal namin bago namin ipadala. Nilagay naman namin sa  bulsa para hindi mawala.   Ay naku! Alam mo bang basang-basa kami nung martes(nung unang umulan  last week)? Naiwan kasi nitong si Senator Tito yung susi ng BMW niya sa loob.E nakabukas pa naman ang sunroof ! Basang-basa tuloy ang  interior! mabuti na lamang at gumanap na carnapper itong si Jinggoy  nung araw kaya nabuksan niya ang kotse mula sa labas. Ang kaso mo, ng pumasok kami ni Jinggoy,naiwan si senator tito sa labas at hindi na  naman niya mabuksan ang kotse! WALA na NAMAN sa kanya ang susi. &^&@%*  mga artistang politiko talaga yan! Hindi gumagamit ng IQ... muntik na kaming malunod nuon ah!   Naalala ko tuloy yung pinsan kong nahulog sa tangke ng whiskey! Marami sana ang gustong sumagip pero pinilit pa ring niyang uminom at libre!  Ayun,nalunod at pina-cremate ---- anim na araw rin ang binilang bago  natapos ang apoy... kaya pag namatay ako, hindi ako paki-cremate...  masakit.    Siyanga pala, nanganak na si jackie kahapon.. Hindi ko pa alam kung  lalaki o babae kaya hindi ko masabi kong ikaw ay isa ng Uncle o Auntie. Naku! napakalikot na bata... eager beaver ika nga! Anak, hanggang dito na lamang muna ang aking liham... Marami pang pagbabago ang kailangan  gawin sa Pilipinas. Ayun sa survey, 95% pa lang ng mga Filipino ang  naging madasalin mula ng ako'y naging presidente! Kailangan 120%!!! Siyempre kailangan kasama ang mga OCW sa abroad, no?  Love, PAPA ERAP   P.S. Papadalahan sana kita ng pera pero nakasarado na ang sobre... ________________________________________ 
     Call Center  A cub reporter was complaining about the  President's accessibility to the  media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he  said it is harder now to get  through the President compared to those days when  he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.The  mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo  yan! In fact they have installed a  very sophisticated telephone system over at  Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset   and presto you can talk to the  President anytime."  "Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly  ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha?  Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"  And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and  dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:  "GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT.  IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS ONE. IF YOU  WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS   TWO. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH,PLEASE  HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"  That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent  reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the  instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:  MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING  SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD,  SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG  NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA   SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA,   AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG  MAIRE-REKOMENDA!   Update Date June 4, 2000 
With the current hostage problem in Jolo by the Abu Sayaf, here  are the mottos of different parties involved in this hostage crisis :          For the Army . . . . . . . "No pain, no gain."         For the Air Force . . . . "No guts, no glory."         For the Marines . . . . . "No fight, no surrender."         For the Abu Sayaf's . . "No ransom, no release."          For Erap . . . . . . . . . . "No read, no write."   Update Date June 14, 2000 
 Ooops  Submitted by Pepe and Pilar    The Russian president is in Manila on a state visit. Driving  into Malacañang with Erap, he sees a man peeing against the wall.  He says, "In Russia we send people to the prison camps in Siberia,  the coldest part of Russia, for doing that."  A year later the its President Erap turn for a state visit  to Russia. Driving into the Kremlin in Moscow they see a man peeing  against the wall. He says to the Russian president, "I thought you send  people to the prison camps for doing that."  "I wish I could, but I can't", said the Russian president, "that's  the Philippine Ambassador."  
Erap on Golf Submitted by Pepe and Pilar  Being a new golfer Erap must learn the game's ethics. If you hit the ball and you are afraid someone may get  hit, it is a courtesy to yell "fore" , not Erap, he yells "isa" because its just one ball.  He lost count of round's score after 100 strokes, go figure.  Erap settles even scores with a fist fight.  He calls his caddie, "Ka Eddie".  He loves to bet his wife for yours in the round.  He drinks "tea" on tee time.  He considers 10 footer putts as "gimmes".  His favorite hole is the 19th hole.   Update Date July 9, 2000 
MODERN INVENTION  Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, ERAP listens to the two. The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"   GERMAN: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien  Germany... the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in zee Berlin."  The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"  JAPANESE: "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanes technology in Japan!  Have mic implant in tongue... and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Tokyo...neh."  ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and looong FART. "....TRRRRRRR, TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!" The two businessmen closing their noses say...."&^^%$#@! WHAT'S THAT SOUND???"  ERAP says proudly, "Ah that, that's nothing. I WAS ONLY SENDING A FAX!!  ON IMMIGRATION  On his arrival in San Francisco. ERAP notices a long queue in th immigration  area. He glances and sees a shorter queue that read... "OLYMPIC ATHLETES ONLY". "Aba, doon na ako pipila...hehe" He instructs his aides to look for sport props.  The first aide, carrying a hubcap, goes through. His excuse...DISCUS thrower. ERAP: "Aba ayos yon ah!"  The second aide also goes through with a mop pole. His excuse...JAVELIN thrower.  ERAP: "Aba...mahusay din." "Teka muna, presidente ako ng Pilipins. Dapat hindi  basta basta lang ang sports ko!! Dapat cultured ng konti." He goes around and  finds a bundle of barbed wire. "Ayos ito...tamang tama." He goes directly to the immigration area.  Immigration Officer: "Sorry sir, this queue is only for athletes...What's your excuse?"  ERAP: Showing him the barbed wire with a wide grin..."FENCING!"     Update Date July 14, 2000  
KANGAROOS (DURING AUSTRALIAN STATE VISIT)  Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?   Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos.   Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?   Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written:  "Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!" 
DURING CALIFORNIA'S QUAKE   Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the  Beverly Hotel without his clothes on. Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something... Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko! 
MAKING A SPEECH  While typing Erap's speech to be delivered in joint commnunique,  Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.   Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ng cooperation?   Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado. 
ERAP'S DARE  Erap to criminals: Wag nyo akong subukan!  Erap to politicians: Wag nyo akong subukan!  Erap to Monica Lewinski: Ako naman subukan mo!   Update Date July 21, 2000 
SAVE  FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of  a firing squad. Each of them is blinfolded and given the chance  to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner  starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....". FVR shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able  to escape because of the commotion.  It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earchquake!". The people watching  the execution panicked. She was able to escape.  Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started  counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..." Erap shouted: "Fire!".   Update Date July 24, 2000 
Q & A AGAIN  Q: How are a San Miguel Beer bottle and Erap alike? A: They are both empty from the neck up.  Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge? A: They are for those who don't drink!  Q: How do you confuse Erap? A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.  Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice? A: Because it said concentrate.  Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!  Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory? A: He kept throwing out the Ws.   Update Date July 26, 2000 
 Shaira: IQ 120, promil user until age 6 Ryan: IQ 130, promil user until age 5 Joan: IQ 130, promil user until age 7 Erap: Low IQ, Promil user until now, but no progress  Hot News: Plan assasination for Erap failed. Erap was shot in the head with .45 caliber pistol but survived dahil walang utak na tinamaan.  Kumakalat na warning Text ngayon: Be careful, Erap is checking all text messages ngayon.  Text in English para di ma-detect.  Talumpati ni Erap: "Ngayong bagong milenyo, tapos na ang problema natin  sa  Komunismo, Tapos na rin ang problema natin sa Imperyalismo.  Ang problema nalang natin ngayon ay Ako mismo."   Update Date July 27, 2000 
MOTTO  Sir, ano po ba ang pinagawa nyong sticker na "LATANG PINOY"?   Ah,yan ba? Tinagalog ko lang yung dating slogan na "THE  FILIPINO CAN".   Di ba mas maganda ngayon?  
FATIGUE  Sir, over fatigue na yata ang mga sundalo natin na lumalaban sa ABU SAYYAFF" sabi ng isang Heneral kay Erap. Ganon ba?  tanong ni Erap. "Osige, pagpalitin mo lahat sila ng Khaki for a change."   Update Date July 28, 2000 
GIVE ME  Kumain sa isang sosyal na Restaurant si FVR at ERAP.   FVR: Give me a Swiss Steak and French fries.  Erap: Ako rin, give me sweeptakes and first prize too. 
PREFERENCE  Nag-usap sina FVR at Erap sa sexual practice nila. FVR: Naniniwala ka ba sa safe sex?  ERAP: OO naman, sinisigurado ko na wala ang mga asawa  nila kapag ginagawa ko yon.   Update Date July 29, 2000  Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX 
STUCK  Humahangos ang aid ni Erap dahil huli na ito sa meeting. Aide: Sir, pasensya na kayo. Nag-brownout kasi habang papunta ako rito at na-stuck ako sa ESCALATOR nang dalawang oras. Erap: Ibig mong sabihin, dalawang oras kang nakatayo roon habang naghihintay ka ng koryente? Aide: ganon na nga po. Erap: Bobo! Tanga! Estupido! Hunghang! bakit hindi ka man lang umupo.  Update Date July 30, 2000 
ANG GANTIMPALA  Isang araw, nagpasya si Erap na maglakbay sa pamamagitan ng pagsakay ng barko. Hindi pa nakakalayo ang barko ng bigla itong lumubog. Makalipas ang ilang minuto, isang rescue team ang dumating. At ni-rescue si erap ng isang kabataang lalake. Erap: Sabihin mo kung ano ang gusto mong gantimpala at ibibigay ko sa yo? Lalaki: wheelchair po. Erap: Bakit wheelchair e hindi ka naman pilay? Lalaki: Dahil po pag nalaman ng tatay ko na iniligtas ko kayo, siguradong pipilayan nya po ako.   Update Date July 31, 2000 
LOST IN LA  Erap visited Los Angeles Ca. and decided to go  to Downtown L.A., walking all day he got lost  fortunately, he have his cell phone with him.  He called his assistant and said   Erap: I am lost, can u please pick me up.   Assistant: Sir, Where are you at right now ?   Erap: I am standing in the corner of Union 76  gas station.   Assistant: But Sir, there's a lot of Union 76  gas station in downtown L.A.   Erap: I know that, I'm not that stupid. You  won't miss it, it's the one with the blinking  sign in the corner that says " WALK/ DON'T WALK"    Update Date August 1,2000 
ERAP IN LIBRARY  Erap in Library  "What time does the library open?" Erap on the  phone asked.   "Nine A.M. " came the reply. "And what's the idea  of calling me at home in the middle of the night  to ask a question like that?"   "Not until nine A.M.?" Erap asked in a disappointed  voice.   "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.  "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"   "ha, who said I wanted to get in?" Erap sighed  sadly. "I want to get out!"    Update Date August 2,2000 
ERAP VISITING ALASKA  Pumunta si Erap sa Alaska,pagdating duon,tinanong  siya kung kumusta ang weather sa Pilipinas.  Sagot ni Erap,"Here in Alaska it's cold.....but in the Philippines it's hot".  Nagtaka ngayon ang isang Alaskan repoter at tinanong si  Erap,bakit daw. Sagot si Erap..."cause you see,the sun here in Alaska  is only 110 volts .....in the Philippines,it's 220!"    Update Date August 3,2000  
NO MORE  After finishing the main course at lunch meeting with Clinton.  Erap is asked if he would like another serving.   Erap replies politely: "No thank you. I'm fed up already."    Update Date August 4,2000 
ERAP's PET   A chemical engineer, an accountant and a Erap are arguing about  who has the smartest dog. The engineer calls his dog and says  "Liter, do your stuff." Liter goes to the lab, grabs a beaker  in his mouth, sets it on the floor, grabs a pitcher of water and  pours exactly four ounces of water into the beaker, without  spilling a drop. The accountant smiles and says, "Good, but  watch this.   He calls his dog and says," Abacus, do your stuff". Abacus goes  to the kitchen, pulls out a bag of cookies, opens it and counts  out six, which he arranges on a piece of paper, without breaking  or eating any.   Erap sneers and yells out "Coffee Break, go for it." Coffee  Break come in, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, takes a dump  on the paper, sexually molests the other dogs, complains that  in doing so has strained his back, lodges a hazardous working  conditions complaint, files for disability and goes home on  sick leave.   Update Date August 7,2000
HIGH TECHNOLOGY ON CELL PHONE Submitted by Sesenia O.  You'd be amazed at the sophistication of this technology! With the  advance in technology, a well-established mobile phone company has finally come out with a dialing technology that is better than Phillip's voice-dial. This new dialing technology is known as "brain-dial. "To make a call, the user will just have to think of the party's nameand the phone will make the call for the user. During trial test inAsia, the company decided to let the leaders of the Asian countries to try out. With the phone on his ear, Taiwan's premier, Lee Teng Hui,try to call the CEO of Acer by thinking his name and the phone actuallydial the number.  In Malaysia, PM Mahathir was also offered to be a trial user. With the phone on his ear, he think of calling his Foreign Minister, within a few seconds the phone dialed the number for him and they chatted for a long period regarding Anwar's torture. When the trial test come to  Indonesia, Mr. Habibie decided to use the phone to call his wife, with this on his mind the phone automatically dialed the number and they have a long chat.  Finally the phone has been sent to Singapore for Goh Chok Tong. With the phone, Mr. Goh used the brain-dialing function to call BG Lee Hsian Yang to persuade him to let Singtel Mobile have the phone to be on the market for sale as soon as it is released worldwide. With the impressive trial-test results, the engineers are confident that there are no bugs in the phone and decided to release the phone on the Asian market.  But after looking at the trial result they felt the Philippines have been left out. One sunny day, Joseph Estrada was out fishing on his new presidential yacht, he received the trial-test phone. He decided to call his first lady Loi Estrada using brain-dialing function, so that he can boast to his wife that he caught a lot of fishes. He tried the brain-dialing for half a day but the brain-dialing just won't work. An error message was displayed on the screen.  Error Message: SORRY, NO BRAIN DETECTED. PLS. TRY AGAIN LATER.  Tawa naman kayo diyan!   Update Date August 9,2000 
CRYING  Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy? And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper? Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"