ERAP JOKES PART 3

WHAT IS III  NORA: Pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?  ERAP: Dats ezy! eh di pang LIMA! kaya nga "PIP" ang tawag sa kanya eh!   Update Date Oct.16, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.  A text message are now roaming around saying:   "Mr. President, the people are JUETENG for you to resign !!!"  "Does that mean VP Gloria Macapagal - Arroyo is President in Jueteng?"  Update Date Oct.17, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
GROUP  Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock   of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of   fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of  wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?  Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!  Di anser is "asociation".    Update Date Oct.19, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
NEWS  NEWSFLASH: Assassination attempt on ERAP failed. The president was  shot in the head with a .45 caliber but survived dahil walang utak na  tinamaan.   Update Date Oct.22, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
BALANCE  An accountant asked ERAP what a BALANCE SHEET IS.  ERAP answered - IT COMES OUT AFTER A BALANCE DIET.  
NAMES  An Erap's pregnant sister was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.  When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"  The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, Erap named the children for you."  "Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not him! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"  The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."  "Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"  The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."   Update Date Oct.23, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
TEXT JOKES I This is the text mesage going around:   ATONG  pa ANG inaantay mo MR.PRESIDENT.  The people are "JUETENG " for you to resign.  Hindi mo MALULUCIOTAN ITO.  NACHABIT ka na!   Kabayan ipasa ito para makarating kay ERAP.  Bakit ang SARAO naging SARADO?  Kasi mahina ang driver ng JEEP ni ERAP. NALUCIOTAN NA,  NACHABIT PA.   Update Date Oct.25, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
THE DOG  As a boy, ERAP went to school everyday with his dog.   But later, they had to separate and ERAP went to school alone.   WHY ? BECAUSE THE DOG GRADUATED.  
SPEAK OUT  IF ERAP COULD ONLY SPEAK HIS MIND,   HE WOULD BE "SPEECHLESS"   Update Date Oct.26, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
CEASEFIRE  ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo! MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE. ERAP : Tang na! Tuloy ang giyera. 
ACQUITED  SEER to LOI: ERAP will not finish his term.  He will be killed. LOI was shaken , then composed herself  before asking: WILL I BE ACQUITED?   Update Date Oct.27, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
COFFEE Pumasok si ERAP sa Starbucks.  ERAP: Coffee please. Waiter:Would you like your coffee BLACK? ERAP: H m m m, WHAT OTHER COLOR DO YOU HAVE? 
SEASONS  Teacher to ERAP: Name the 4 seasons. ERAP : KNORR , MAGGI, A1 AND TABASCO   Update Date Oct. 29, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
KASI  GUEST: Sarap ng luto ng Misis mo!  ERAP: Kasi mayroon siyang "URINARY SKILLS"  
HOLIDAY  SEER to ERAP; you will die on a holiday.  ERAP: which holiday.?  SEER: ANY DAY YOU DIE WILL BE A HOLIDAY!   Update Date Oct. 30, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
  VIP'S ON A SINKING SHIP:  CLINTON: What do we do?  YELTSIN: GET A LIFE BOAT.  ARAFAT:  ALL WOMEN FIRST.  SADDAM:FUCK THE WOMEN!  ERAP: TALAGA!  MAY ORAS PA BA?   Update Date November 2, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
TOOTHPICKS  Flash report: Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking.   "Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente.  "Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles,    wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick."    
ERAP'S WORDS OF WISDOM   If the cat is away, the mouse is alone.  If others can do it, don't help anymore.  Don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full.   Don't count the eggs if it is not yours.     Update Date November 3, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
USE SENTENCE AGAIN    "Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.  "May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.  
VIOLATION  Nahuli ni Erap ang dalawang empleyado niyang may ginagawang di naisnais  sa office niya.  "Violating company rules kayo niyan," paalala ni Erap.  "Anong rule po?" tanong ng lalaki.  Nag-isip muna si Erap, "Not wearing uniforms!"   Update Date November 6, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
GASOLINA  Mega-traffic sa Mendiola. Tatlong oras nang nakahinto ang mga sasakyan kaya napilitang magtanong ang isang driver sa pulis na nakaantabay.  "Ano ba ang nangyayari?"  "Nasa gitna ng kalsada si Erap, galit na galit sa mga may-ari ng gas dahil taas sila nang taas ng presyo. Ang sabi ni Erap, kapag hindi nagbaba ng presyo ang mga langis, bubuhusan niya ang sarili niya ng langis at susunugin niya ang sarili niya."  "Ang bait ni Erap."  "Kaya umiikot kaming mga pulis para tulungan si Erap na makalikom ng kailangan niya eh."  "Magkano na ang nakukuha ninyo?"  "Sa ngayon, tatlong lighter, limang posporo at sampung galon ng gas."   Update Date November 7, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
BRIDGE  Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.  Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.   "Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"  "Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"    
HOMELESS   "Ano ho ang plano ninyo para sa mga homeless?" tanong ng isang interviewer  kay Erap.   "Marami. Kaso may isa lang na problema."   "Ano po 'yun?"   "Ang hirap nilang hanapin. Wala kasi silang mga address, eh."   Update Date November 9, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
PREDICTION   Madam Auring's Text Forecast;   Good News: Erap will resign.   Bad news: Jinggoy will become President.   Worse news: Jude (his other son, rumored to be gay)  will become first Lady.   
PAREHO SILA  Nakikipaglandian si Erap sa isang babae sa bar.   "Teka, Mr. President, alam mo bang isa akong lesbian?" tanong ng babae.   "Teka, ano ba 'yung lesbian?" tanong ni Erap.   "I love to make love to a girl"  paliwanag ng tomboy.   Natawa si Erap, "Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho tayo ng hilig!"     Update Date November 10, 2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
SATAN AND ERAP  Satan appeared to Erap. Satan: I have a proposal -- you will finish  your term, but in return I want your soul.   Erap: Teka muna (Just a moment), what's the catch?   
INSURANCE  Loi: Mahal, Ikinuha kita ng insurance (My love, I got you an  insurance policy).   Erap: Anong klase (What kind), life insurance?   Loi: Fire insurance, dahil doon ang punta mo pag namatay ka (because  that is where you will go after you die).    Update Date November 12, 2000 Submitted by Pepe.  
WARNING  Vatican warned Sin that he will go to hell while Erap will go to heaven.   Why? 'Cuz when Sin talks, people sleep. When Erap talks, the nation prays.   
ANONG GATAS?  "Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang  presidente.    "Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.    "Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.    "Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.    "Ano yata Lactacyd."     Update Date November 13, 2000 Submitted by Pepe.  
Q AND A  Q: How does Erap say "Fuck You All" to the Filipino people in Tagalog?  A: "Malinis ang aking konsyensya" ("My conscience is clear," his favorite refrain  when aked about the latest scandal to hit him)    Q: Bakit ayaw mag-resign ni Erap? (Why doesn't Erap want to resign?)  A: Kasi hindi niya alam kung kanino ia-address ang resignation letter niya.  (Because he doesn't know to whom to address his resignation letter).    Update Date November 14, 2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
MAAWA  Di na kayo naawa kay Erap. Di na kayo nahiya. Wala na kayong nakitang lokohin  kungdi siya. Di ba ninyo alam na hulog siya ng langit? Una nga lang an ulo kaya tanga  (You have no pity for Erap. You have no shame. You can't pick on anyone else but him. Don't you know he is heaven-sent? Except that he was dropped head first)   
LEARN MORE JAPANESE  You are a liar: Dongpunokane (a play on the palace spokesman, Dong Puno)?   Masyado kang sipsip (you're too much of a boot licker): Miriamkane  (a play on Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago)?   Lasenggo, sugarol, mataba, magnanakaw, bobo, etc.: Erapkane?   Update Date November 16, 2000 Submitted by Pepe. 
ACT III  Nanood ng three act play sina Erap at Loi sa Cultural Center. Pagkatapos ibaba ang telon nang matapos ang act I, nagyayaya na si Erap.   "Tara na."   "Teka, intermission pa lang," sagot ni Loi.   "Hindi mo ba nabasa ang program?" tanong ni Erap sabay pakita ng program sa asawa. "Nakasulat * Act II Three Weeks Later. O, maghihintay ka pa?"  
AIR PRESSURE  Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang  sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito.  "Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi ng stewardess.  Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.  "Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.    Update Date November 17, 2000 Submitted by Pepe.   
POPULATION GROWTH   "Mr. President, our population growth rate is alarming na. May isang babaeng nanganganak bawat minuto," payo ng isang gabinete kay Erap.  "Kailangan natin itong ihinto kaagad!" sigaw ni Erap at tumingin sa ibang tauhan niya, "Hanapin ninyo 'yung babaing 'yun at huwag natin palapitan sa lalake !"  
GUARANTEE   Erap: Before the end of my term, I guarantee that the dollar-peso exchange rate  will be one dollar is to one kilo of peso.  
NEWS  News Flash:  Similarity between Marcos and Erap: Both have AIDS. Marcos's AIDS: Acquired  Income Deposited in Switzerland. Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson.    Update Date November 20, 2000 Submitted by Pepe.   
HARD AT WORK  Mga Kabayan: (1) Our beloved President can always be found (2) hard at work  with his Cabinet, without (3) wasting the country’s resources on cronies. He never  (4) thinks twice about helping our countrymen, and he (5) decides firmly on political  matters. He has absolutely no (6) vanity despite his high accomplishments and profound  (7) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that he can be (8) classified as a  high-caliber leader, the type who can’t be (9) dispensed with anytime. PS: Read only  the odd-numbered lines.  
CRISIS  The crisis in America is that they still don’t have a President.  The crisis in the Philippines is that we still have a President.  
COLOR  Another: Marcos was in red. Cory was in yellow. Ramos was in blue.  But Erap is in peach.    Update Date November 21, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 
LEARN NEW FOREIGN WORDS  "ERAP" in different languages:  Japanese -- Haritanga (king of the dumb);  Chinese -- Tatai-jueteng (father of illegal gambling) Arabic -- Ali Bobo (stupid) African -- Akimpa Yola (the payoff's mine!) German -- Dapat Ousten (he shoud be ousted)  French -- Vo Vous (another play on bobo, or stupid);  Indian --Talsikh Nhatin (let's get rid of him).